Bob
by Atropa Haven
Summary: poor, poor, Vernon. The first chapter is a spoof. Harry Potter. A normal kid. who can talk to snakes.
1. The Real Story

okay, so far, i havent gotten any death-threats. This fic was originally meant for this purpose. I do proofread most of my works, but most of the time it is not needed. Please stop Telling me I could be a good author if I were to proofread it. I hate constructive Critism. If there is a mistake in any of my FicTiOn, it is because i put it there.Please, please, PLEASE, leave death-threats. they are the apple of my eye, the fruit of my womb, my life blood, so...please, please, Review!

#snorts and rolls eyes#

"As if i CARE what YOU think...."

#blinks#

"Umm...Right! Back to Bob!"

Also, Alea, if you truly liked that first chapter, i commend you. more of those totally trivial and twisted plot bunnies will turn up at any time in my fiction. If you would like a hint of what is to come, this fic will be Harry/Bob. )But its not beastiality!(sorry

(the real story)

Harry potter was Perfectly-Normal thank you very much. At least, that is, compared with the rest of his family.For someone that presumed themselves to be quite normal, Vernon Dursley could turn so many colores of puce, and Petunia Dursley looked alarmingly like a giraffe. They had a son, but he was not mentioned much, and the Dursleys quite ignored him as much as they could. He dressed in all black, and got very good grades, and was quite intelligent. However, he was a self-proclaimed mute.He also emmersed himself in Star Treck-y things. So you see, He was quite odd.Yet, I can see you are confused.Was not Harry supposed to be the abnormal one? The prophesized one? The-Boy-Who-Lived? No. He was not. If only for the fact that the entire wizarding world thought him to be dead. Let me explain...

On a bright, sunny day, that was not in any way an indication of, or an omen of, something terribble, Harry Potter sat in a park. In fact, he was sitting in a puddle where some local bullies had placed him. He was six years old. He sat there, pasty from lack of sunlight, (because he had been punished for some insignificant freaky thing) and wishing he were just, Normal.And although we know that Harry Potter is anything but normal, his magic did not, and it suprresed itself. It did so to such a degree, that in the book of souls, Harry Potter was presumed a Muggle. As it is obviously impossible to do such a thing, The members of the wizarding world, after viewng te book of souls crossing out the name of Harry Potter from its folds, greived for The-Boy-Who-Died. They then went about thier business.It is on this day as well, that Harry met Bob. The snake.


	2. Plot Bunny

okay, if you would, just skip over this stuff. it isnt the real story. just a plot bunny. although, some people like it. it was originally designed to irritate people enough so they would leave death threats.so, the story is the next chapter. enjoy.

werning. bad grammar. bad punctuation! tHis fic was made to irritate you enough to make death threats. oh..and gays, fags, smoke, and mirrors.

rated. C for confucius.

The day it all went to hell.

(ding-dong, the boy's dead)ah, yeah, another note? character death.

the family that lived at #4 privet drive were perfectly normal thanx u very much. they had however, a secret, the prominate black sheep of the family..except he wasnt black at the moment, not at all , you see, at the moment, thier nephew and charge, harry potter, was green. with purple spots. and neon green feathers sprounting from the wings on his back. so it sufficed to say that the family of #4 privet drive, the dursleys, were quite baffled, and in the case of the dursley patriarch, quite puce-colored in the face.

of course, you can hardley blame hime can youe? its not every day that some gothic freak with a snake fetish is incinerated on your nice grass along with your only whale of a son now is it? the freakish things kids do now-adays!all that ...magic! it did those freakish things to their nephew..who was now thier niece! as in..opposite of a nephew! who was currently shagging on the porch with some greasy black-haired man that looked to be his father..only with a larger nose, and an oristocratic blonde! lthe positions they were using were not even near anything that could be called sex..and it was hard looking apon such a site as the one that they were watching , on ethat had not even been concieved in the great wisdom of the kama-sutra!

This had to be the worst day in the life of Vernon Dursley.

so he sat down and smoked marijuiana. and watche4d his now supposed gay nephew(or neice?) shag two people at the same time in inconcievability.and he mused.

oh he mused.

gay meant happy right?

well it made sense.

gay people were happy beause of all the gay things they did, and happy people were usually gay.so...did that mean that in order to be happy, he had to be gay?

this made sense to vernon dursley.

so he leaft for the carribean. unfortunatley, because of his obesitey, he was jailed for indescent exposure, and jailed for ten years.

where he lived a very gay and happy life with his cellmate..bob.


End file.
